[Why do I study in Drama?]
This is a question that I usually ponder over now that I have entered the Theatre Art department. I had not taken this topic that seriously before until I really got involved with a drama-related major. Then, this suddenly became a real life question.
When I was a child, I remember it was approximately my fourth-grade-year in elementary school. I was sitting on my couch at home and oddly got to thinking very seriously about how I was going to spend the rest of my life. Perhaps it was due to the realization of the difference between my classmates and myself. I really started contemplating over the question which seems quite difficult for a student only in the fourth grade. All in all, that time spent on the couch resulted in my current life aspiration.
I always had lots of different interests when I was a child, such as becoming a doctor, an astronaut, a swimming coach, or even a painter. They were all, at one point or another, a dream of mine. Every profession had its own specific appeal to me. This vast majority made me flustered because I could not make up my mind. Consequently, I thought I really should think about this problem; so, that time spent on the couch was time that “why” became part of my thinking process.
Actually, I don’t really remember how it went. I only remember asking myself something like, “What kind of job could I do continuously for the rest of my life?” In fact, this process of thinking didn’t take too long, maybe half an hour at most. Alright, theatre it is.
In the process of chasing my goal, I encountered a lot of difficulties and doubts. Those difficulties come from my lack of ability, and then doubts come from the lack of certainty. [The path is full of thorns on the way to becoming a performer.] I remember my performing teacher saying that once. Thus, actors must have a really strong mind to surpass all of those thorns to reach the other side.
I used to hope that I can become that kind of person who is indigenous for performance; for example: being tall, looking handsome, and possessing good eloquence. Then, when I gradually found out that I was not becoming that kind of person, I felt flustered again and had a period that I dared to not tell others about my goal of becoming an actor. During that time, I quite often felt unqualified.
Performance is always an unlimited art for me, such as it is for many other types of artists. No one can really know when it will reach its perfection. As an advantage rather than a disadvantage, I find that the boundlessness that art exemplifies actually makes it exactly the reason why performance is fascinating. Therefore, in this case, I can chase it forever. Although, deficiency can indicate a need for progression. I believe that being deficient in one’s performance brings forth the integrity needed to become progressive. Consequently, this provides persistent happiness for me, and it’s so beautiful.
After one performance after another, I literately forgot those disturbances I used to have. At least until somebody asks me again, I begin to take this seriously. I begin to think, “Maybe there is no “real” somebody who is suitable for theatre, and there is actually just those who want, love, or live for it sincerely. When someone really wants, loves, or lives for something, he or she is more likely to make succeed. This is my short-sighted view so far.
I still don’t really know what kind of attitude an actor/actress should have when he/she considers a performance. However, I found that if it starts form the consideration of reality, it makes everything more comfortable. So, when one is pursuing reality, he or she can gets rid of the unnecessary disturbances.
If you asked me before why I study in drama, I might have based it on a mere likeness; yet, if you ask me now, aside from likeness, there is another reason to why I can’t help myself. After this long time of chasing, I can’t help but to keep going. Performance art became the only thing I would like to take seriously and will, in every facet, spend the rest of my life doing my best to finish. I can’t stop chasing. I want to know more. Maybe I am not good enough right now. Still, I really want to see and learn more about performance in a different arena and continue to face the qualms. I want to properly see more of this beautiful art form.
After all this, I can look back and answer myself and take the next step as a more compulsorily one, and face acting with the fascination and stamina that it will take to make in the long run.